Thursday, December 13, 2007

Lost Love

It is always sad when an obsession meets its fatal end. And this case is no exception. Matty Weave has spent countless nights, and bathroom breaks at the high-end architectural firm he is employed by, thinking of ways to make Jessica Alba coo. Dirty, dirty ways. So when it was reported this week that she is preggers by another man, we at ATLWeekly knew it had deeply penetrated Matty's vulnerable ego, and heart.
We commemorate what once was, 'cause that's how we do.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Props


We'd like to give a big ups to the dudes over at Dry Ink for winning Atlanta Magazine's Best Webzine. While still a bit miffed we weren't mentioned, we think they deserve this way more than any other asshole blog in this fair city. Way to go guys!

Wonders of the Web

Friday, December 7, 2007

Trouble in Paradise?

Could there be trouble brewing between Atlanta's best looking bartender and her door-keeping boy toy?


According to our sources, the answer is yes - there seems to be quite a bit of ice forming between these festive lovers. Recent spys snapped the following pic last weekend, and it looks like J's been Ho, Ho, Ho-in' it with the fat bearded guy. Even more shocking (!!!) is that D's way more into the bitch he's holding than Santa, the Elves, and J's hooch combined. The proof? Later in the day some massive howling was heard coming from behind Aurora. Talk about throwing a dog a bone!

Wonders of the Web

We'll let y'all figure this one out.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Wonders of the Web

This is a new daily section where we post random things we find on the internet that may or may not interest you. We really don't care. We're just trying to keep you on the beat.

And now, today's entry:

This is Nicolas Cage's son.


That is all.

Manorexia Mayhem!

Forget puking and laxative loads. Local heartslob, Ben ThrowHer, has found a new way to stay slim. Never one to turn down a Ho-Ho or Snacky Cake, he’s been keeping his oval-ish figure by performing impromptu street workouts. In fact, last week he was seen doing Kettlebell Thrusts in the El Bar parking lot while saying, “This burns like four calories per second,” and, “How my pecs look? How my pecs look, bitches!!”


And frankly, they look good - all his random pumpin’ has paid off. Not only with the “bitches,” as seen above at local celebutante Lizlow’s Southern Comfort Birthday Party. But he’s also got a series of fitness tapes in the works, all aimed at firming up flabby scensters. According to IMDB, the first release will be entitled "Buff Ben’s Barstool Boxing". Let’s hope that shit’s on iTunes!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween 07' - ATL Style

Ralph Macchio was there, I ran into Cher. Lenny's was the place to be in Atlanta on Halloween. King Khan & BBQ Show were in town and they were off the hook. Mystery from VH1's Pick Up Artist was seen hitting on a dude in the men's room. Steven Seagal got into a fight with Andy Dick in the parking lot and Ruth Buzzi vomited all over the BBQ Show. Good times. T. Chesh walked out on his tab.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Posers

Last summer it seemed we just couldn't get enough of Beyonce's pits. She found her signature pose and was hardly photographed without her glowing, slightly stubbled armpits readily exposed to the paps flashes.


We couldn't help but reflect back to Miss. Knowles when we started noticing that two of Atlanta's hottest bachelors, Ben and Joe, began being photographed over and over again with their own staple poses. We're not sure what we want to call this look, but strained, heavy constipation comes to mind.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Beep-Beep-Boop-Beep


This shit is unbelievable! While perusing photos from a local Fund-Rager to use on the site, we came across this one. At first glance it seems like just another excuse for Liz-bian to do that chin-down, I'm sexy pose. But upon further inspection we realize that Rickkky is sending secret messages to the Kneeloon leaders in Macon. Purportedly named the Zorkons, these high-up have been using El Myr as a satellite to send orders to their robot-like minions.

It's too bad that Rickkky doesn't realize his undercover utterings really just make him look totally gay!

Holy Hell!


The legendary "Gravity Pub" bid farewell to the ATL bar scene this past Tuesday night. Memories of the once thriving hang-out and music venue have long been defunct...but some still held a special place in their heart for this charming and trashy historical landmark. So, it was no surprise to us when Atlanta's favorite frontman showed up to say "peace out" and throw back a few Corona Lights over an egg salad sandwich and chips. No one ever expected what happened next though. Half-way through his Last Supper, T.Chesh had a holy experience and saw the image of Jesus Christ on his potato chip. Some were skeptical, some weren't believers, but the image below proves otherwise. The chip has been quarantined and T.Chesh is currently developing a website that promotes the unity of bar and church.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Text Just In

"Who do I talk to, to get a date with Rachael Ray?"

Given the pull that we have in this city, it is no surprise when we receive these types of requests. We would bring you all of the latest details, but protecting our sources and the integrity of all those we cover is #1. And basically, we're just sick of reporting on this over-exposed attention grabber. We hope this Playboy Plummer finally scoops his chef du' jour. We hear she makes a mean Salami Scramble!

Douchebag Sighting!

Much to our dismay, The Hives landed upon ATLWeekly headquarters this rainy Wednesday afternoon. Reigning from FAGersta, Sweden, and wearing coordinating black and white "outfits", these garage rockers are in town for an upcoming appearance with Maroon 5. How exciting. Anyway, we were all but starstruck to make their acquaintance and it did nothing but leave us wanting some Orbitz Mojito Flavored Gum.
Why can't TomKat stop by?? And we'd sure love to meet Bob & Whit!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Who Wore It Best?

The annual Macy's Halloween Parade brought out hundreds of locals vying for first place in the customary costume contest. Musicians, artists, and scenesters went extreme trying to work their way to the top prize of $500 in Longhorn Steak House gift certificates. You tell us....who deserves this top honor? Who deserves top sirloin, a baked potato with sour cream only, and a side salad with honey mustard, 31.26 times this next year, as indicated by their current menu pricing? Your vote counts!


Llloyd
Billly
Lizaaa
M.Cccc.
Hollly
Lizbian
Harrrison
KHutch
Danikaaa
Daveee
Paco
The second place winner will receive the following, as advertised on Myspy:

Blog Busted!


As our photographers leaped out of the bushes to snap this photo of M.lo catching up on his latest ATL buzz...he angrily tried to push the paps out of view. Our lead investigators had been staked out for 4 HOURS as M.lo refreshed over and over hoping for a new post!!!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Spice Up Your Life


This month is monumental in music history. Not only do we at ATLWeekly mourn the loss of great talents...such as Jam Master Jay of Run D.M.C. fame (D.O.A. 10/30/02), we celebrate the resurrections of musical acts that have forever shaped the industry. So we took our cameras to the streets just as soon as we learned the new 'Spice Girls Greatest Hits' album would be available for pre-order TODAY ONLY!

It is apparent that others know great talent when they see it as well. Our photographer caught ATL's favorite fashion guru, Estella, almost in tears as she learned that her order had gone through and it would be shipped in 7-10 weeks.


Thursday, October 11, 2007

Wax Dat Juicy Booty


After a mad bout of SARS, we thought his thingy would never dingy. But looks like our fave scenester, Tregay, has found a new boy-toy. Didn't take long. Hot off T-fag's stink hole, Tregay has found a new bun for his sausage. We think this relationship is really solid after hearing at a house party the following statement: "You're finer than a ten piece Church's meal."


The connection seemed to be lost after scene-stealer Lizbian tried to infiltrate the paparazzi prick-fest. But obviously the juice was still a'flowin, because overheard when she walked out of the frame was Tregay stating, "She ain't nothin' more than a Supreme Fish Delight fried fish and hushpuppie meal!"

Caught Pink Handed


Record label mogul, Travis Fagel, was caught late Wednesday afternoon busting out of Nordstrom with a pink Fabrige(TM) bag and Boston Terrier. Obviously unable to evade security with his porn-stache disguise, he was subjected to an anal cavity "exam" for four hours. He was heard screaming in defense, "Get your silky paws off my filthy drawwwls!" Officials say he should be released on bond by Santa's arrival in the food court, estimated November 11th.

Let's Get Your Strap-On


Statistics show that 9.36% of celebrity relationships don't last. Well, here's some proof in the pudding. Surveillance videos at local Decatur lick fest, My Sister's Room, caught four of ATLesbo-Wannabes in the act. M.C, Liza, Karen, and Erin raved into the wee hours to tunes by Cher, Ricky Martin, and Shakira. Will their significant others throw these hussies to the curb...or will they embrace their leading ladies and join this panty brigade?

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

This City Can't Take Another Fucking Band

A new band is currently trying to break on to the already cluttered Atlanta music scene. Hailed as a mix between The Black Lips, The Rent Boys, Jermaine Dupri, The Allman Brothers and New Edition, this 18-member ensemble has a long way to go before gracing the pages of Southeast Performer. Don't take our word for it, see this clash of caca below...

video

What Were They Thinking?


Guess who's twin was found wandering the aisles of Burlington Coat Factory at Fiesta Plaza? Yep, none other than K-Fed's one-minute-younger brother. The only way we can tell them apart is the lack of babies sucking on J-Federline's tit. Shit. What are we talking about? We can't even see where his tit's would go in that gay ass outfit!

Fill in the Blank


Ben and Fuzz discuss the delight of ____________ girls.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Stroke of Genius


Art has a way of inspiring us at ATLWeekly...and no artist ever before has touched us the way 'Pricasso' (i.e. Tim Patch) does. His tools are unique and long, and his style...wet, with deep strokes. Having painted some of the worlds most famous people including George W. and the Queen of England, it was no surprise to us when he commissioned local starlet K.Hutch to sit while he painted her gorgeous face with his penis.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Where's the Red Bracelet, Man?


Through a series of late-night wiretaps, we recently discovered that local musician, Rickkky, is a member of the Macon-based religious cult, Kneeloons. Having a freakish fear of balloons and the popping that results from them, we've taken all precautions to avoid him and his excessive talkings of their underground ways.

But we've got even more shocking news! He recently cut off his hair and sold it in the name of his beloved religion during a fit of fanaticism! He apparently got $14.37 for it, which, according to the Party City website, buys you four packets of medium to large balloons.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Oh How the Mighty Have Fallen


Once one of the most badass restaurateurs and land barons in this fair city, ChuckyP's life has recently taken a hard turn...

According to witnesses, CP attempted a little fret-board fingerdance during a recent after hours affair. This would normally have been nothing to blink at, but apparently he fell so hard into a guitar solo that he began to expose a very demonic part of his soul. He later issued this statement about the experience: "My dad told me chickens don't get cold, just old!"


Soon after his slip into nonsensical musings, the chef-du-jour was found with a knife mighty close to his face. Local members of the Atlanta Rollergirls rushed him to Grady in the back of their ego-filled Honda Element, saving him just before he slipped into the burrows of Hell forever.

So what's next for Chuck P? Does this mean this scene staple is hitting rehab? Or will he hire a sober buddy to live with him the rest of his days? We do hear Rondel is looking for work...

After Dark in the ATL

Apparently some of our readers have been perusing too much Danielle Steele as of late. We recieved the following email from someone (who asked to remain anonymous) this morning, and lets just say we'd rather eat a naked baby covered in fish semen than think about this really going down.
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I got home from the Star Bar around 2 a.m. last night. Around 7:30 a.m. I was in this freaky underground club having sex with one of the suicide girls who is married to some Iranian dude who doesn't love her any more. The sex was hot, she looked so beatifull underneath the blue lights. We snuck away to a dark corner. At first she leaned over something and let me take her from behind. She then turned to face me and let me press her hard against the black wall covered with old, outdated flyers for punk shows, and millions of staples. Her staring eyes bored deep into my soul as the mischevious smile on her face let me know she often engages in such high risk behaviors and she is just having fun. We hit a good rhythym, and then I woke up.

The greenish morning light was creeping into my bedroom as I lay underneath my comforter. I sighed, bummed I hadn't made a mess climaxing with my sweet black angel, and realizing I was left with a raging hard-on pressed against my black boxer briefs. I conjured her up again as I began to rid myself of my stiff bedfellow. It was over quickly.

As I lay there saying goodbye to my beautifull, tatooed-bettie. Something happened. At first I thought it was her, crossing the depths of my subconcious, swimming her way through to be with me, at least for another round of kinky lovemaking. I thought she had simply flown out of my left ear and bit my right nipple hard. I looked towards her and realized what was really happening was I was being stung by a giant black wasp.

The moral of this story is. I know the weather is getting nice, and you may be tempted to leave the doors or windows open to accept the cooling breezes of the coming fall. But be carefull that you are not letting unwanted pests into you house.

Love is in the Hair


Custody Disputes. A Bitter Divorce Battle. Claims of Drug Abuse.
No other couple quite says dysfunction like Denise and Charlie...at least not until now!

It's no surprise that Denise recently asked Char for some sperm to pack full her oven with another bun. But, after he refused to comply and waged an intense smear compaign against her, Denise is fighting back. Her publicist has confirmed that not only is Deni preggers, but she's in love with her babies manny and ready to move on with her life. A fairy tale ending? Not quite.

Multiple sources are claiming that baby daddy/manny is no other than....Benjamin Thrower Jr., the illegitimate first son of THE Atl-super-celeb, Ben Thrower. After an intensive background check, we have confirmed that Ben Sr. has not only been married four times previously (to women), but has six other children...not including Lindsay Loran.

This will be Ben Jr's. first child and Denise's third. Jr. released a statement this morning stating that he and Denise will wed before the birth of their baby girl...appropriately named Benise.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Party of Love


On the wake of their one year anniversary, The Cheshire's still know how to make headlines. Photographed on Sunday at their 'Rock of Love' finale party, it seems this couple brings new meaning to "refreshment break". Rumors have been circulating for months now that these two are ready to start a family. Will they join the ranks of other celebrigays by adopting like Barlow? Or will these two do it the ol' fashioned way?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Lindsay Loran Revealed!


This just in y'all...pictures of Lindsay Loran have been released. And we at ATLWeekly are the first to get the exclusive photos of this already shining star! There's no denying power-player couple Ben and Marlow were involved at hand-pickin' this darlin-baby-punkin-pie. Although paid for, we have to say she bears a striking resemblance to these proud new diva daddies!

Friday, September 7, 2007

Sorry Dudes


We at ATLWeekly (TM) would like to offer our sincerest apologies for not updating the last few weeks. We've been in LA negotiating with TMZ about representing our site globally. We need a few more days rest, then we'll be back - bringing you the freshest goss in the ATL.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Ro-De-Ho




Our moles have learned that Rodeo, from "Rock of Love with Brett Michaels" fame, showed up at the Star Bar last night during a show featuring local Atlanta bands. Obviously wasted, (we suspect a combo of booze, coke, and steroids) she was parading around screaming "RODEO'S IN THE HOUSE".



Eyewitnesses report that what was even more alarming were her continuous blatant attempts to seduce a man that may or may not have been William Zabka (i.e. bad boy Johnny Lawrence from Karate Kid as well as the lead in Python II). Obviously attempting to date up, we're curious to see if Rodeo can lasso herself this dreamboat.